Kueer Kultur

Gene Found to Cause
Heterosexuality
in Newts and Sloths

AgenciePantsPresse
Paris April 19, 2002
by Ruby Lips
Scientists working at the renowned Paris Institute of Laundering Research have discovered the gene responsible for causing heterosexuality in newts and sloths, it was reported today at the World Conference of Annotated Apostrophic Errors and Omissions. Jean-Claude Thillyfrogeux , the chief re-upholster, in his address to the assembled indignant dignitaries, detailed the delicate task of detaching the testicles of the presumably unwilling creatures, and then painstakingly sorting out their Jeans.

The upshot, of the sltoth sperm examined, was that a previously unknown silent mutation had resulted in a perverse molecular inversion of homogenized sexual coding instruciones. This is the cause of the mental imbalance of sexually desiring the opposite sex when newts and sloths do slimy stuff, said Doctor Thillyfrogeux.

The cause of heterosexuality in humans, of course, remains unknown. Some possible factors which might be responsible include: loose pants and lack of fashion sense, religion, the inability to snap one's fingers while swishing the hand from right to left, not knowing who Joan Blondell is, being a Republican, and never ever having been exposed to glitter dust.

Jovian Ministry Acts on Interspecies Sex

Solarcom: United Planets Intersystem
Orbit 17, Phase 9, 2187
by Ruby Lips

Following a raucous session of the Jupiter Moon System Federation Parliament, the Jovian Prime Minister, Wang Lee Goldberg, promised to sign into law provisions legalising multigender sex between Outer System born human colonials and transgendered Charonian native beings.

The rights of interspecies couples has been a much debated issue ever since the famed ‘robot love case’ of interplanetary singer Loo Loo Steeltits Schwouler scandalized Mars-dome conservatives back in 2169. In her acceptance speech for first prize in the Interplanetary Song Competition, she proclaimed her love for her bisexual house-cleaning robot ‘Big Balls Beethoven’ and was immediately arrested by the Martian Provincial Protectorate. She escaped to the Asteroid Colonies where to this day she still sings of android amour.

In the Jovian debate, parliamentarians pondered the perversity of desire for multisexed slugs. "Who would want to slither with a worm-like creature that has liquid nitrogen for blood and multiple sex organs?" they wondered. The Charonian Ambassador, a quadrosexual third tier hermaphrodite, caused apoplexy when she suggested that the Prime Minister might enjoy multiple entry in his orifices and the sweet thrill of his naked body being slimed with aphrodisiac extrusions.

Prince Shar-Ming
to Wed
Count Studtmuffin

FarieNewsInternational
once upon a time, 2002
by Ruby Lips
Prince Shar-Ming, the sweet butterfly monarch in waiting of the People’s Republic of Mariposa, is to marry the hulking Count Studtmuffin, the pierced titular cock-ringed ruler of the Duchy of Schmetterling. Wings and feathers are fluttering throughout the royal organs and paparazzi papers, as well as the papillon press, about the match of the millennium. Far from there being any sort of flap about the far flung flirtation, fauning fans of the couple’s infatuation have breathlessly awaited further fruition of their future together. And now, at last, has come the official announcement that the two are about the bite the apple.

The much awaited wedding will take place in the Palace d’Prurience high in the Dalliance Mountains of southwestern Schmetterlingia, famed for its hot and spicy salamis. The Count’s meat has long been prized as the ultimate to place between soft buttered buns. Prince Shar-Ming, his cheeks aglow with anticipation, was quoted as saying that he could hardly wait to be plucked. In the background, could be heard the excited clucking of his court’s courtiers, concierges, mandarins and other mucka-mucks. Meanwhile, at the count’s meat packing palace, pounds of prime butt were being prepared, hung, smoked, and pounded into fillets for the tender moment of the feast formalizing his fidelity to his frail filly prince. "Each butt is probed for purity," said the Count’s chef as he delicately fingered whole tender rumps while watching kitchen knaves balling melons. "Come here!" he shouted at one who’s tool had slipped its sheath, grabbed his balls and pointed out some uncut skin. Unfazed, bored bearnaise sauciers continued to glaze, their eyes averted from the mentioned afore skin indiscretion.

Oy, even I can’t stand another word,

-Ruby; lexicographical harlot